Encounter You
When was the last time you really had it out with yourself? A good and raw self encounter-
I had my first deep self encounter in my early thirties. I think it was a culmination of timing and events- my son was getting a little older and more self sufficient, I had a great therapist, my career felt solid, and I was closer to God than ever. I finally looked up from the grind.
I was still navigating the complexities of grief from the sudden loss of my Mom. Grief is sometimes the most fertile soil for self discovery. Maybe it is the unavoidable collision with one’s own mortality and present circumstance that nudges you to the edges of the mirror of yourself. Whatever it is, I know it was grief that had me greeting my adult self for the first time. It was a startling encounter.
I spent my 20’s absolutely laser focused on building a life that looked nothing like the one I had been raised in. My road map to success looked like this- college, career, buy a house, get married, have a baby and live happily ever after. Easy peezy.
Except it wasn’t easy or peezy. It was often stressy and depressy. But I adapted. I became so excellent at putting on the perfect smile, maintaining the right tone of voice, cooking the best meals, being the good friend, loyal employee, and pirouetting around my pain so I began to forget where it hurt.
While attending Duke Divinity I had a professor ask three questions:
What are you feeling?
What do you need?
Where is God?
At first I struggled with these questions. I discovered I had no idea how to articulate what I needed; what I yearned for, or what boundaries I needed in place to feel safe. In one poem I described this feeling as being “an immigrant in my own skin.” I felt I had washed ashore to myself, this wild messy undiscovered land of Lindsay. It was scary, It was exhilarating. It was hard.
These three questions helped guide my thoughts and aligned me with the Spirit in my self-discovery. I have asked myself these questions over and over, sometimes a few times a day. I have learned my childhood abandonment wounds made me a pathological people pleaser. I am teaching myself to connect with God and myself before I try to meet the needs of others. All my life I believed my feelings were a burden. So taking the time each day to honor my feelings, name them and look for God’s presence in the middle of my feelings is a gift I lavish on myself daily.
What are you feeling? What do you need? Where is God? Three simple questions to help ease the awkwardness of meeting yourself for the first time. I wanted to start with the really hard existential questions like “who am I?” and “what is my purpose?” but I realized I needed to date myself a little bit before diving into the deep end. I convinced myself I am worth the slow burn. I spent the first half of my life living in response to the needs of others while remaining completely unaware of my own. A sort of frenzied existence where I was only okay if everyone else was okay first. Now I slow down. I check in with me. What are you feeling? What do you need? Where is God?
I would like to share a prayer of self-discovery with you.
Holy and Merciful God,
You know me more intimately
than I know myself
As roots know soil
and a mother memorizes
freckle constellations
on her son's ear
No part of me
is mystery to you
You call me by my name
remind me
I am
anointed in your blood
sent
loved
redeemed
Whisper to me the truths
of myself
so I might learn to love me
as You do
Amen